It’s rhetorical don’t worry, and no I’m not suicidal. Trust me. It’s just I can’t stand myself sometimes. Recently it’s sort of been all the time. Yes I’m aware we are living in an age of self-empowerment and feminism and as a woman I meant to love myself despite of my countless flaws according to society. However regardless of this “confidence boosting” age I wake up and go to bed feeling so bleugh about myself. Look it’s not just that I feel horrid about my appearance, my appearance is average I’m not exceptionally beautiful or exceptionally unattractive (by social norm) same goes for my personality and everything about me really. Maybe that’s the issue maybe I don’t love myself because nothing cries out for love. Nothing about myself is eye catching or jaw dropping. I’m average. Average grades, average appearance, average personality, average life. Maybe I am angry with myself for never being something that stood out, even in failure. Maybe I’m angry that I am here living this mediocre life (from my own choice) whilst those with life limiting illnesses are trapped within themselves yet they could do so much. Maybe I’m angry because I feel trapped inside my own head with no excuse.
One day I will love myself, one day I won’t need anyone else to love me to make me feel worthwhile to the world. One day I’ll see that there is no average, normal and it’s just everyone is exceptionally different and wonderful. And I’ll be okay with that. You matter, you have a purpose and you are exceptional even when you don’t see it. Don’t let these intrusive, toxic thoughts consume you start fighting back. You see we were all made on purpose, for a purpose and I choose today to start trying to realise that and see the potential in my life, how God sees me. I said try right.
Time to practice what I preach…
- Write down one thing you’re grateful for daily.
- Smile ( trust me)
- Go outside.
- Turn off you’re phone.
- Talk to a real person.
- Start living out Proverbs 16:3
- Remember you will be okay.
- It’s okay to not love yourself all the time.
- Just don’t beat yourself up about it.
- Oh and please whatever you do don’t hate yourself.
I will love myself again. Watch this space.