Why can’t I love myself? – an honest conversation. 

It’s rhetorical don’t worry, and no I’m not suicidal. Trust me. It’s just I can’t stand myself sometimes. Recently it’s sort of been all the time.  Yes I’m aware we are living in an age of self-empowerment and feminism and as a woman I meant to love myself despite of my countless flaws according to society. However regardless of this “confidence boosting” age I wake up and go to bed feeling so bleugh about myself. Look it’s not just that I feel horrid about my appearance, my appearance is average I’m not exceptionally beautiful or exceptionally unattractive (by social norm) same goes for my personality and everything about me really. Maybe that’s the issue maybe I don’t love myself because nothing cries out for love. Nothing about myself is eye catching or jaw dropping. I’m average. Average grades, average appearance, average personality, average life. Maybe I am angry with myself for never being something that stood out, even in failure. Maybe I’m angry that I am here living this mediocre life (from my own choice) whilst those with life limiting illnesses are trapped within themselves yet they could do so much. Maybe I’m angry because I feel trapped inside my own head with no excuse.

One day I will love myself, one day I won’t need anyone else to love me to make me feel worthwhile to the world. One day I’ll see that there is no average, normal and it’s just everyone is exceptionally different and wonderful. And I’ll be okay with that. You matter, you have a purpose and you are exceptional even when you don’t see it. Don’t let these intrusive, toxic thoughts consume you start fighting back. You see  we were all made on purpose, for a purpose and I choose today to start trying to realise that and see the potential in my life, how God sees me. I said try right.

Time to practice what I preach…

  1. Write down one thing you’re grateful for daily.
  2. Smile ( trust me)
  3. Go outside.
  4. Turn off you’re phone.
  5. Talk to a real person. 
  6. Start living out Proverbs 16:3
  7. Remember you will be okay.
  8. It’s okay to not love yourself all the time.
  9. Just don’t beat yourself up about it.
  10. Oh and please whatever you do don’t hate yourself.

I will love myself again. Watch this space. 

Sarah x 

What’s holding you back? 🏃🏻‍♀️🌊🌱

“Therefore, since we are surrounded  by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance on the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the perfector and pioneer of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down on the right hand of God.” ~ Hebrews 12 : 1-2 

The question “what’s holding you back from running your race for God, what’s stopping you from going deeper with him? ” and those two verses have been on my mind a lot lately. It seems every conference I go to, every bible study or book I read has that burning question at the centre. And it’s been troubling me. 

Things such as addiction, poor relationships, jealousy, pride, insecurities, stress, work, children, lack of courage etc are often suggested as what’s holding some of us back and I agree that these things do but none of them felt like major issues for me at this time , some have been little niggles but not something I saw as a hinderance. 

So what could it be? 

I started praying daily for God to reveal to me what was stopping me. I wanted someone well known for prophecy or prayer or some sorta gift to tell me what was holding me back I wanted God to use those around me to lead me to a better understanding, the people I all too often compared my faith to, my personal walk with theirs. I mean come on they were so on fire for God (and well known) they must be who God would wanna use. 

But God used me. I had gotten a spoken word at a worship night, something that had never happened before (praise God🎉) saying ” we’re imperfect but we have a perfect God” now I don’t remember much of what was said but that stuck with me. I was holding myself back by comparing my faith, myself and my gifts to others. I felt I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t perfect enough to be used by God. Yet he went and used me to help myself. 

How often do we feel like this? We get bogged down looking at other people’s lives, feeling sorry for ourselves we forget we have a perfect God and in him we are perfect. So of course he will use us we just need to ask and have patience ( I don’t 🙄) . 

Don’t forget people run at different paces. You might just be running slower don’t panic. 

So whatever is holding you back whether you know what it is or like me didn’t, pray, get excited for the race you’re running and rely on God to help you let go of any baggage or overcome any fears. 

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders let me walk upon the waters wherever you may call me” ~ Oceans, Hillsong 

Passages to read :

  • Ezekiel 47 
  • Matthew 14: 22-33
  • Hebrews 12 obviously

An offering 

Last year I got hurt.

Attending a local traditional church for 7 years – a  big move for a Pentecostal girl. God answered prayers from when I was 6 years old at that church: giving a best friend and a place to belong. Dramatic I know.

I have always been the type to seek approval from others. I wasn’t necessarily the “fit in with the crowd type”,  loving the outcast status at school but in my church youth I wanted to be accepted. This was increased when bullying by an older member of the youth and then a close friend resulted in my self-worth always being low. With God I forgave those people (who are wonderful btw), and moved on, thinking the path to forgiveness and the desire to only serve God and not others was the lesson finished.

But God is never finished constructing us! 

Bringing me to last year, my best friend of 7 years hurt me. Devastated, she had (I felt) abandoned me and spread lies about me. What really tore me in two was the fact people in the youth believed her. I left the church, feeling rejected. My heart became bitter and I was so angry at her, traditional churches and those that believed the rumours. The worst part? I was angry at God.

  • I had been bullied in the past
  • I had been rejected in the past
  • I had forgave in the past
  • I had moved on

So why was God giving me the same lesson to learn? I thought, and why is he using her to hurt me?

This lasted months my passion and joy for God became a glowing ember rather than a raging fire. Increasing my bitterness and frustration. I wanted to serve so bad I was restless watching others get opportunities I felt I deserved (especially those who hurt me).

God was moving when I couldn’t see it! 

Then summer came determined to get back my joy. In August (at Relentless) I cried out for God to help me forgive and let go embarking on a 4 month journing of prayer and immersion in the word equipping me to do so (she and the traditional church are honestly brilliant). That week changed everything. I made the offering of my broken but willing heart to God and he took it.

God loves a willing heart! 

Things can hold us back from fully committing to serving him. Even if we don’t see it, things hold us back from running our race. For me it was my inability to forgive and let go of my bitter heart, for others it can be lack of expectancy for God to move, broken relationships, addictions, need for control, poor support system, lack of self-belief, inability to see Gods big picture, the list is endless and personal to you.

We are weak but God is strong! 

Once we recognise our stumbling block holding us back from running for God, not just with a willing heart but a totally all-in committed heart, we need to offer it to him to help us. He is willing. With him breakthroughs occur – receiving spiritual gifts I had been asking for and letting go of the need to have acceptance from others. God is the only validation we need. What is the breakthrough you need?

What’s the point to my story anyway? Yes my lesson was finding my approval from God and forgiveness. However more than that, realising a willing heart is wonderful but until we let go of baggage we can’t serve completely and see the full rewards of faithfulness.

So I leave you with two questions:

  1. What are you expectant for God to do? What are you expectant for God to do in your life (in you and through you)? What are you expectant for God to do in your friends lives? What are you expectant for God to do in your church? What are you expectant for God to do in your community?  Are you expectant?!
  2. What’s your offering? Do you have a willing heart? If you don’t have a willing heart, ask God for one. What’s stopping you from fully commiting? Have you given this baggage to God?

Be expectant and ready for revival! 

Passages to read:  for forgiveness 

  • Proverbs 11
  • Exodus 34:4-8
  • Ezra 9
  • Jonah 3 and 4
  • Matthew 18:21 – 35
  • Colossians 1:15-29
  • Hebrews 10:24-25
  • Romans 15:13

Passages to read: for a willing heart

  • Matthew 5
  • Acts 17:26-27
  • Esther
  • John 12: 1-11
  • 1st Thessalonians 4:13-18
  • Acts 2:1-21
  • Matthew 28:20
  • Zephaniah 3:17
  • Romans 10: 13
  • Philippians 1:3-11

What God wants 👑

So having been a Christian for many years the main thing I’ve grown to have a passion for is evangelism. No I don’t view non-christians as “projects” but I love sharing about my faith and what my incredible God has done for not only me but everyone. 

However, recently I had started to become discouraged. All my recent efforts to evangelise and invite my friends to outreach events had either been met with rejection, promises to go and then failure to show up or turning up and no response after the gospel message was told.  

I thought how can I live my life pleasing God, following Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 28:19 

“So go and make followers of all people of the world and Baptise them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit”

if no one wants to listen to me. I watched as my friends were successful in bringing their friends to events, and as their friends started to show a interest in Christianity I wondered “what am I doing wrong”?. Most of my prayers became deep apologies to God for disappointing him, for not being a good fruitful servant, for not being successful. I wondered how God could love me if I wasn’t doing anything important for his kingdom. 

How foolish I was to question my importance, I am the daughter of a king, his authority lives in me, of course I have importance in his kingdom. Did I forget God had a plan for me ? Did I not remember there was a season for everything? Esther 4:14 says: 

“You were chosen for such a time as this”

I had forgotten the importance of my existence for this time. Even more obviously I had forgotten what God wants:

  • God wants a faithful servant (Mark 5:36)
  • God doesn’t ask for success (Philippians 4:19)
  • God wants someone who tries  (Matthew 5:3-11) 
  • God doesn’t ask for perfection (1 Peter 1:6-7)
  • God wants to love us (Romans 8:38-39)
  • God doesn’t want us to question our importance (Psalm 139: 13-14) 
  • God wants a united church (1 Corinthians 12:27) 
  • God doesn’t want members that compare their fruitfulness to others (Galatians 6:4) 

For me it is now blindingly obvious that God, our good father, just wants us to try. It is faithfulness he rewards – Proverbs 3:3-4. So don’t be discouraged next time you feel unsuccessful for him because God is never disappointed in his faithful children, but be encouraged by knowing God has a plan greater than you can imagine, Jeremiah 29:11. 

This is me 

Simple. Hi. I’m Sarah. I like cheese and hate introductions. 

What more could you want to know? 

Well the biggest part of my life, literally what defines who I am is I’m a Christian and I love Jesus. I became a Christian when I was 6 there was no dramatic turn around from drug addiction (thank goodness), no saving from a broken home or abuse. Nope my life is normal and ordinary, for 12 years I have branded my testimoney as boring and unoriginal. But God has still revolutionised my life he gives me hope, joy and peace that I’ll never fully comprehend. My identity in Christ is the reason I’m alive and the reason I’m me. 

So here I am simple, rubbish at introductions and pretty uninteresting but with a extraordinary God who took a little normal girl and gave her a passion and joy that has got her through the rollercoaster ride of emotions she’s had. I guess that’s it. 

Oh I like dogs 💞